Pause

I'm drowned with mixed emotions. I know I have tried too hard wanting I don't know what I want anymore. I stayed too long hoping I'm not sure what I'm hoping for anymore. The longing buried far too deep I'm not sure if it's the same anymore. The silence almost deafening I'm not sure when to speak up anymore. I compromised too much I couldn't give a damn anymore. Or was that the mere sane thing that has kept me going? My fleeting thoughts brushed the surface of the tip like a shadow and flirted with the subconscious mind. How deep is the iceberg? When bits of it afloat, it confuses me so much, it hurts.

It struck me that I'd really like to know the reason for my existence. Why is it that nothing good comes along? My mind has gone into a state of pretence for the past couple of weeks, maybe months, maybe longer. It's a heavy, foggy cloud. A large dose of it seemed to have infiltrated my life making it slightly jigsawed with many jagged cuts and rounded corners with no sides that fit. It has been sardine-packed, somewhat deliberately eliminating pause during play. It sure has been a catalyst for being disorganised. I'm tired of trying. Must I keep trying, must I?

Don't just see a happy, chirpy, carefree me and suck me dry for what it's worth. Don't just feel like shit, come unload and walk away alive. You'd kill me slowly and you won't even know it because I'd keep smiling and keep pretending anyway. Primrose is an oxymoronic name. I know I am not exactly very prim but I surely am a delicate rose, made up of figments of fastidious thorns and fragments of fragile petals...

I feel raw. I want a reason to go on. I need a pause.

If you want something that you never had,
do something that you have never done before.
Don't go the way life takes you,
take life the way you go;
and remember you are born to live,
not living because you are born.

12 flowers for this post
* Compassionate hug *
Friend For Life | 12.10.06 - 11:37 pm | #

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"I feel raw. I want a reason to go on. "
In a raw state, it's good to go back to ground zero and start like nu'e. Try everything that comes thy way with an unbiased mind, and be prepared like a boy scout for some Pleasant surprises -- I'm sure you will find MANY reasons to go on. Don't like prim, go fro prime then. ~~ Des-Non-de-plume
anon | 13.10.06 - 12:32 pm | #

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I feel depressed at times. I feel tired pleasing everyone. I feel sad when my love is not return. I feel lonely when I see couples. I'd felt 100 times worse than what I'm feeling now but still I've survived.

Obstacles make us stronger. Failures make us tougher. Lessons make us smarter. I guess I'll just have to keep walking until I've found a resting place.

*hugz*
titoki | Homepage | 13.10.06 - 6:22 pm | #

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What can be said after reading this? There are people in the same boat as you. There are people who would try their best to make you happy. And by making you happy they would feel happy too. If only you could spare 5 minutes. Everyone has had bad experiences, but rising from the dumps makes them a better and stronger person. And they still believe that they will find happiness.
Ann | 13.10.06 - 9:21 pm | #

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primrose, me not too sure what's really going on but i just hope that you can stay strong and live as happily as you can because u live once! *hugz*
MeiyeN | Homepage | 14.10.06 - 10:32 am | #

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whatever it is princess, take some time off for yourself. clear ur mind, take ur mind off things, indulge in whatever that takes ur mind off the emotions. then slowly see the whole thing from another perspective as another person, it might makes u see a clearer picture. look for the root of the problem and tackle the situation from there. good luck
kruy | Homepage | 14.10.06 - 8:19 pm | #

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PrincEss, may I suggest a reason for you to go on?

You have friends who love you. They need you, so that they can give you their love.
Friend For Life | 14.10.06 - 11:17 pm | #

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*hugz*..i don't really know what had happened to you but i feel you because methinks am having the same situation, i feel sick. trying to be alone to think..but you made me right now to said how much we & i care for you. a very big "hugz" for you. take care. I hope you know that.
charlene | Homepage | 15.10.06 - 9:02 pm | #

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A short pause is good sometimes. But don't let us who miss you wait too long ar~~~ Hope you are feeling much better now, Primrose. *one hug from me too*
fish fish | Homepage | 17.10.06 - 5:42 am | #

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Darling, it's a phase. It'll pass. *HUGZ*
titoki | Homepage | 17.10.06 - 11:04 am | #

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It's really a 'pause' because you know you'll have to 'play' again. Life itself is the reason to go on. =) Titoki's right, it will come to pass.
Lene | 18.10.06 - 3:08 pm | #

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Thanks all. Moods are emotional cycles. They go in a big circle, make a complete turn and then poof! They go away ... and will be back the next time round.
Primrose | Homepage | 19.10.06 - 8:06 pm | #

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